to say that im unhappy in life right now, would be an understatement of the decade. i fear that me being so unhappy will rub off onto my brother. i see glimpses of unhappiness in his life as i did in mine when i was his age. i vowed to make his childhood and his upbringing to be full of happiness. full of everything that mine was lacking. the scars that he would have, would be joyous scars (if they are such a thing). not the scars that i have. i wanted so much for him but all i seem to be doing is failing. at everything. its one thing to fail in your own life but to fail in others? thats a whole different sort of hurt. thats a different sort of ache.
every minute of every day i want to cry. i want to talk to someone who wants to talk to me. i want to spend time with someone who wants to spend time with me. i want to remember what its like to feel happy. i want to remember what its like to be wanted, to be appreciated. even better, i want to be someone's number one. is that too much to ask for? seriously, is that something crazy to desire? is it like asking to win the lotto? coz im beginning to wonder the purpose of all this. this thing that we call life. what is the purpose of it? im sure ive asked this a few hundred times already, but what am i suppose to be learning from this 'rough patch' that im going through? im struggling to understand.
theres so much that i feel deprived of. i want so much. but then, i pause and think, "im healthy. im alive. i have my family. i have a job." and then the guilt comes in. how greedy am i? i have so much already yet i keep wanting more. sometimes i think if i was sick, i might appreciate the things i have now. sometimes i think if i was dying soon, id appreciate life so much more. sometimes i think if im cut off from my family, ill appreciate what i had with them so much more. or sometimes i think if i got fired and lost my job, id appreciate the early mornings and going to work so much more. and then it starts again. i think "im healthy. im alive. i have my family. i have a job"....it is never ending.
the thing is, i know what i had. and i loved it. i never took it for granted. i loved every minute of the life i had, i loved everything about it. what makes me sad, is now i look at it, and its all gone. i dont remember the last time my family all went out to do the shopping together. i dont remember visiting my relatives with my family. i dont remember the last time when my best friend and i would be chatting furiously away on msn even though i would have just seen her an hour ago. i dont remember the last time my diary was so full of social events that id literally plan two weeks in advance to catch up with friends.
i dont remember the last time i smiled and it wasnt forced.
every week on a saturday or sunday, i tell myself, "no more feeling sad. no more feeling sorry for myself. it begins now. i turn my life around now. this is the moment." and it lasts the day...before something drags me down. my friends, i use to be able to say, i needed more than my fingers and toes to count the number of friends i had. when i moved back home earlier this year, i said i could count the number of friends i had using my hands. now, i dont think i need anything. and it feels so shameful to say it out loud. because society tells us that if we ever need to say something like that, its like, well, you've failed. social networks tell me that i have hundreds of friends. my phone has phone numbers of 'friends' that i havent seen or spoken to or texted in months. when it comes down to it, i simply have no friends.
wow. that one hurt.
do i fight for friendships that have long gone? my best friend, who i have missed so much, who her boyfriend tells me that shes lost and has no core group of friends and apparently has missed me so much, who i used to be able to tell anything to, barely makes an effort to see me. it hit most when it was my birthday, and instead of going out and having the time of my life with her like she said we would, i was home by 930. it hit most when every time id want to catch up with her, she'd be busy. and thats completely fine. but she made no effort to reschedule or suggest a day that she was free. it hit me when, it was her birthday almost two weeks ago, and after trying to make a time to see her and celebrate with her, shes still busy. thinking about it now, looking at the wilting friendship, i see the answer so clearly before me. its obvious, i need to walk away. shes not good for me. shes not my supportive friend anymore. she doesnt want to be around me. i know that. but saying it out loud, actually doing that, is so much much much more harder. i know though. i know. i need to walk away.i think that cuts very deep though. ending friendships definitely cuts deeper than ending a relationship with a partner. friends, are meant to be there forever. you dont expect boyfriends to come and go, but the reality of things is, when it happens, people tell you "boys come and go...friends are forever". so when a friendship ends, it hurts so much more, coz you have that expectation that they'll be there. but thats life right? thats life. people come and go. why should it be any different for me?
its always therapeutic writing out my thoughts and feelings. i dont want to be sad. i want to be happy. i used to be the happiest person i knew. i used to be the happiest person my friends and family knew. now im struggling to get out of bed everyday and so delicate and unsure if ill burst into tears or not. what happened to me? what happened to that girl i used to be? what happened?
life happened.
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