i promise...

i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and make the changes in my life that i need to make. Things don't get handed to you on a silver platter in real life and the life im living is real life so i gotta make things happen for me. The change needs to start now. One step at a time.

BE the change that you need to be. Repsect yourself. Demand the respect from others. Earn the respect from yourself and from others. Be that person you were born to be.

there is no end

there is no end to it. when you fall, you keep falling. its like an endless tunnel. you fall and you just keep floating down in space. i am hurting. i ache. my mind is numb. the pain is endless. i want this to stop. but how do you climb up a tunnel that only goes down? where is the light? what is the meaning, the purpose of this?

to say that im unhappy in life right now, would be an understatement of the decade. i fear that me being so unhappy will rub off onto my brother. i see glimpses of unhappiness in his life as i did in mine when i was his age. i vowed to make his childhood and his upbringing to be full of happiness. full of everything that mine was lacking. the scars that he would have, would be joyous scars (if they are such a thing). not the scars that i have. i wanted so much for him but all i seem to be doing is failing. at everything. its one thing to fail in your own life but to fail in others? thats a whole different sort of hurt. thats a different sort of ache.

every minute of every day i want to cry. i want to talk to someone who wants to talk to me. i want to spend time with someone who wants to spend time with me. i want to remember what its like to feel happy. i want to remember what its like to be wanted, to be appreciated. even better, i want to be someone's number one. is that too much to ask for? seriously, is that something crazy to desire? is it like asking to win the lotto? coz im beginning to wonder the purpose of all this. this thing that we call life. what is the purpose of it? im sure ive asked this a few hundred times already, but what am i suppose to be learning from this 'rough patch' that im going through? im struggling to understand.

theres so much that i feel deprived of. i want so much. but then, i pause and think, "im healthy. im alive. i have my family. i have a job." and then the guilt comes in. how greedy am i? i have so much already yet i keep wanting more. sometimes i think if i was sick, i might appreciate the things i have now. sometimes i think if i was dying soon, id appreciate life so much more. sometimes i think if im cut off from my family, ill appreciate what i had with them so much more. or sometimes i think if i got fired and lost my job, id appreciate the early mornings and going to work so much more. and then it starts again. i think "im healthy. im alive. i have my family. i have a job"....it is never ending.

the thing is, i know what i had. and i loved it. i never took it for granted. i loved every minute of the life i had, i loved everything about it. what makes me sad, is now i look at it, and its all gone. i dont remember the last time my family all went out to do the shopping together. i dont remember visiting my relatives with my family. i dont remember the last time when my best friend and i would be chatting furiously away on msn even though i would have just seen her an hour ago. i dont remember the last time my diary was so full of social events that id literally plan two weeks in advance to catch up with friends.
i dont remember the last time i smiled and it wasnt forced.

every week on a saturday or sunday, i tell myself, "no more feeling sad. no more feeling sorry for myself. it begins now. i turn my life around now. this is the moment." and it lasts the day...before something drags me down. my friends, i use to be able to say, i needed more than my fingers and toes to count the number of friends i had. when i moved back home earlier this year, i said i could count the number of friends i had using my hands. now, i dont think i need anything. and it feels so shameful to say it out loud. because society tells us that if we ever need to say something like that, its like, well, you've failed. social networks tell me that i have hundreds of friends. my phone has phone numbers of 'friends' that i havent seen or spoken to or texted in months. when it comes down to it, i simply have no friends.
wow. that one hurt.

do i fight for friendships that have long gone? my best friend, who i have missed so much, who her boyfriend tells me that shes lost and has no core group of friends and apparently has missed me so much, who i used to be able to tell anything to, barely makes an effort to see me. it hit most when it was my birthday, and instead of going out and having the time of my life with her like she said we would, i was home by 930. it hit most when every time id want to catch up with her, she'd be busy. and thats completely fine. but she made no effort to reschedule or suggest a day that she was free. it hit me when, it was her birthday almost two weeks ago, and after trying to make a time to see her and celebrate with her, shes still busy. thinking about it now, looking at the wilting friendship, i see the answer so clearly before me. its obvious, i need to walk away. shes not good for me. shes not my supportive friend anymore. she doesnt want to be around me. i know that. but saying it out loud, actually doing that, is so much much much more harder. i know though. i know. i need to walk away.

i think that cuts very deep though. ending friendships definitely cuts deeper than ending a relationship with a partner. friends, are meant to be there forever. you dont expect boyfriends to come and go, but the reality of things is, when it happens, people tell you "boys come and go...friends are forever". so when a friendship ends, it hurts so much more, coz you have that expectation that they'll be there. but thats life right? thats life. people come and go. why should it be any different for me?

its always therapeutic writing out my thoughts and feelings. i dont want to be sad. i want to be happy. i used to be the happiest person i knew. i used to be the happiest person my friends and family knew. now im struggling to get out of bed everyday and so delicate and unsure if ill burst into tears or not. what happened to me? what happened to that girl i used to be? what happened?

life happened.

one second

its funny how things can change so quickly. one minute you could be upset, feeling broken. the next minute you might see a chance of a change, so you leap at it - grab it with both hands. for a split second, you might even let yourself believe that you're going in the right direction. you might let yourself think that you'll be okay, that you could possibly even be happy. but it amazes me how quickly that can change. it amazes me that one person, one question, one phone call, can change things. one split second. from happy to sad. one second. its all it can take.

one second.

that one second was all it took. only then did i realise the magnitude of it all. *sigh* i am so broken.

ive been reading some inspirational Buddha quotes hoping to find something to push me from my 'contemptness' to somewhere further along the happy path. they dont apply anymore. i feel like ive just taken 5 steps back to where i was before. its a long and lonely path. no one can save me.

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.

the only thing is...ive been walking all my life. when will i be saved?

whose turn is it?

i dont get it. is this a game? am i playing this game? what are the rules? what do you get if you win? do i ever get to win? cause all i seem to be doing is losing.

today, i just felt...i don't even know how to explain it. i tried to reach out to someone close to me but instead  of recognising that i tried at all, i got a slap in the face and a 'why didn't you reach out further?' im not sure how to take it. it felt like this friend of mine, wanted me to try and reach out, like it was a test and he was testing me or something. i gotta say straight up, i didnt like it. im not in school anymore, so there's no need to school me and 'test' me on 'how much i will try to reach out'. im not a child. i mean, if im reaching out... obviously that means i care, right?! surely anyone can see that!!

friendships aren't meant to be tested. they are to be treasured and protected. don't push the boundaries, especially if things are already shaky! it makes me feel needy. it makes me feel like, i cant go a day without pathetically needing this friend. we're old enough to have kids of our own....why are we acting like kids ourselves? i may be venting and letting out some steam, but why, honestly why would one do that to a 'friend'? it frustrates the crazies out of me. you're suppose to let your friends know that you're there....not test them and make them feel bad after they pass the stupid test!! Arrghh!! *($#&%*(&!

a friend in need...

being so wrapped up in your own life leaves little time for others. ive been sitting here for the past couple of hours thinking, how could i have been so wrapped up in my own issues and not see that the peeps i love dearly are going through tough times and loneliness of their own?

in my own way of thinking, this, right now, is a good distraction. it takes pressure off me and my crap from the uphill battle that awaits. on top of that, im a fixer. i like to fix things. i like to make things right. and in some crazy little way...right now, i feel needed. and that, for me, is a great feeling.
when i was i kid, i used to have a poster that said 'all i need is you and me' and a picture of two girls, obviously best friends. it was sweet. of course, growing up and going through my teenage years, i eventually thought it was too 'childish' and tacky so when we were moving houses, the poster didnt get packed. i dont regret it though. i mean, in a way it makes me appreciate the saying more(?). im lucky to have the peeps that are in my life. i havent and wont forget that in a hurry.

my bestie and i have gone through the tough, tougher, the awesome and just freakin get-out-of-my-face-are-you-kidding-me-awesome times together. we're soo different from each other, but we're also so similar. ive missed her. being away from her, i had missed not having our regular d&ms. ive missed not having my shopping buddy, my lunch buddy, my 'omg guess what just happened' buddy. shes without doubt my bestie. and i have missed her. and it saddens me that in some way, shes been sad and lonely as i have been.

as a believer of everything happens for a reason, i think some good will come of this. what am i saying? i  know goodness will come of this. thats the beautiful thing about our friendship. we could be cities, states, countries apart. we could have not seen each other for a week, a year, or three. but when we get back to it, it's like nothing ever changed. i heart that. ive missed that. but you know what? now, im back!

my wall

it has been said that what goes in must come out. i guess the same can be said for emotions. whatever you feel, what ever you think, whether it be bottled up anger or happiness ready to burst out of you, whatever goes in - must come out. i am by no means ashamed of who i am or what i think or feel. but in a society where it feels like you have to second guess yourself, where gossip is served for morning tea and toilet breaks, where someones happiness is another persons jealousy, or someones heart ache is an opportune moment for people to further prod and 'analyse' the 'what went wrong', without doubt reinventing history along the way, knowing that is out there does make me not want to spill anything to anyone. my thoughts, my feelings, my pain...they're all real. to me. they're mine. not for anyone else to poke and prod at. all mine. my successes, my failures...all me. does that make me anti-social?

ive reached this point where things are slowly coming out. no longer can i compress everything inside. i cant keep doing that. but on the same note, i dont feel as though i can talk to anyone about it. as much as i love the people in my life, as much as they are supportive...there is a limit isn't there? i fear judgment. one of my weaknesses. i guess i believe that if they dont know, they cant talk about it, and if they cant talk about it, they cant judge. i love my family and friends, dont get me wrong but theres still that part of me that fears my family thinking less of me, that fears my best friend may have a great gossip session with her co-workers, that fears people avoiding me as if i'm contagious and they'll 'catch' my ill-feelings and bad thoughts. it was so much easier keeping things to myself. and i have done so for so long. but yesterday, i felt like i was going to explode. i needed to cry. i needed to just...let it all out. and i couldnt let myself. i had built up such a huge wall that i couldnt let my guards down. i couldnt let myself feel...

...i guess ironically enough, thats exactly what i need. not just to let myself have my feelings back, but what i need is a wall. someone or something that will just let me vent my daily crap out. let me just have one hour where i can expel the verbal diarrhea. i guess thats what this blog is for me. i feel somewhat safe(?) in that i can say whatever is on my mind without fear of being judged by those who mean so much to me. is it wrong that those that i care about are the ones that judge and can potentially hurt me most? most definitely. am i going to do anything about it? i think its a given what that answer is.

theres just too much that isn't right. the ex, the family, the friends, the job...
no one, no one, not one person in the world can possibly understand that. its not my job to make people understand. its my job to make me understand it. its my job to make the hurt go away. its my job to fix the ex issue, to fix the family issue, to fix the friends issue, to fix the job issue. its all on me. my feelings. my thoughts. my issues. my fix.
right now it feels like my world has turned upside down, upside down again, and once more. i know it'll get better. i dont have a lot but faith, thats something i still have. i guess i gotta just take it one step at a time, a day at a time.

i said in one of my earlier posts that 2011 would be my year. we're almost halfway through...and i think this has been the hardest, most toughest year of my life.
but i guess first things first. one step at a time right? *sigh*

here goes nothing....

peace out xx

empty shells

sometimes i think i can do anything. i can make peeps laugh, i can make them happy, i can make them sad. it makes me feel somewhat strong. but i guess what people see and what is really the truth are two different things. i used to be someone who was just...what you see is what you get. it seems that as time goes by, the more ive become one of those 'read between the lines' kinda person. im no longer the girl that wears her heart on her sleeve or the girl that can be read like a book. and thinking about that now, it makes me sad. i used to be carefree...and lived life for me. now, i'm trying to keep everyone else in the world happy. this is no cry for sympathy. gosh, of all people, i know i dont deserve any. i brought this onto myself. and oddly enough, seeing it right in front of me, seeing how my life is...seeing the faults that living for others bring, although sad...i know i wont be making any changes any time soon.

are we all defined by the rules and constraints that our friends/family and society place on us? is that the meaning of life? getting through to the other side unscathed, is that the ultimate goal? i guess it can be said that im lost right now. ive made some of the biggest changes in my life in the last couple of months. prior to these changes, i always said, 'even if its a mistake...i can always go back. it can be undone'. but in reality...it cant. what is done, is done. theres no reverting that. no going back. i mean sure, i can always go back. but like ive learnt this time round, coming back to something that was once home, its not the same anymore. theres no going back.

so what do in situations like this? knowing that you've made the wrong choice. going forward...does that make it more wrong-er? or does that make it right? i guess overall it doesnt matter. because for me, i know that is the only way i can go. its like walking on a path thats not yet there...thats going in the wrong direction...but its the only one you can take.

i wish sometimes i could stop. take a breather. and just stop. stop everything from changing, from moving forward. stop time. that would be the breather i need. time stopping. just an hour a day. id even be lenient to say an hour a week. i had a experience today, not sure if you'd call it an out of body thing but i guess my mind wasnt where i was at. i watched people go about their lives. i saw uni kids on the train looking exhausted. trying to catch some shut eye whenever possible. i saw the same expression on the faces of the 'senior' workers. i imagined they'd be wondering when they could finally retire. i looked and looked until i realised i was being watched myself. it startled me. i got off the train thinking to myself, what would he have seen? i guess at this point, i still do kind of wear my heart on my sleeve. he would've seen exactly what i felt.
sad. lost. hurt.

recently, i have these moments throughout the day where i just feel the need to cry. i promised myself on the last night i was living by myself that that night would be my last night that i would let myself cry out loud one last time. that i would let myself go and not cry anymore. my time of self loathing and self pity would end that night. and i have kept my promise. today though, i dont know what triggered it. some days i wake up and i feel fine. i tell myself that, and i fake it enough to a point where i almost believe it. i woke up today feeling so depressed. didnt want to get out of bed. didnt care about work. didnt care if i lost my job. didnt care that my brother was worried that i wasnt at work. didnt care about anything. i almost think that if a can was nearby, i would've kicked it. i just didnt want to be me. i woke up today and thought, shyte....i dont want to fake through today. i cant. i dont have it in me. and i didnt.

when i eventually got into work, i wanted to leave. the thought of seeing people and talking to people, socially or work related made me want to hurt myself. i didnt want to be there. id listen to my ipod as a 'dont talk to me coz i cant hear you' method, and it worked. until the random bunch of depressing songs came on. crying at work is, something that ive done, but not something ill ever do again (if i can help it) nor is it something that im proud of. i care about my work reputation. i am strictly professional. i dont like to bring work home or home to work. they are separate. but despite my strong beliefs, i teared up. i knew i had had enough. it was time to go home.

sometimes i feel like a shell. more so recently, but more of an empty shell as well. its like in the mornings, when i put my make up on and get into work clothes, its like im putting the shell on. i realised this so much more today. it made me feel lost. i feel lost. i guess that kinda justifies the whole 'big decision' thing and maybe i didnt make the wrong decision. maybe me being where i am, right here right now, feeling the way im feeling is exactly what i need to get better? or maybe im trying to lie to myself again and tell myself that im on the right page. maybe theres just no way back, theres no fix for me. maybe this is as good as it gets. maybe ive already had as good as it got. maybe ive screwed up too much already. maybe just maybe, this is it. *sigh*

such is life

Peace out xx