sometimes i think i can do anything. i can make peeps laugh, i can make them happy, i can make them sad. it makes me feel somewhat strong. but i guess what people see and what is really the truth are two different things. i used to be someone who was just...what you see is what you get. it seems that as time goes by, the more ive become one of those 'read between the lines' kinda person. im no longer the girl that wears her heart on her sleeve or the girl that can be read like a book. and thinking about that now, it makes me sad. i used to be carefree...and lived life for me. now, i'm trying to keep everyone else in the world happy. this is no cry for sympathy. gosh, of all people, i know i dont deserve any. i brought this onto myself. and oddly enough, seeing it right in front of me, seeing how my life is...seeing the faults that living for others bring, although sad...i know i wont be making any changes any time soon.
are we all defined by the rules and constraints that our friends/family and society place on us? is that the meaning of life? getting through to the other side unscathed, is that the ultimate goal? i guess it can be said that im lost right now. ive made some of the biggest changes in my life in the last couple of months. prior to these changes, i always said, 'even if its a mistake...i can always go back. it can be undone'. but in reality...it cant. what is done, is done. theres no reverting that. no going back. i mean sure, i can always go back. but like ive learnt this time round, coming back to something that was once home, its not the same anymore. theres no going back.
so what do in situations like this? knowing that you've made the wrong choice. going forward...does that make it more wrong-er? or does that make it right? i guess overall it doesnt matter. because for me, i know that is the only way i can go. its like walking on a path thats not yet there...thats going in the wrong direction...but its the only one you can take.
i wish sometimes i could stop. take a breather. and just stop. stop everything from changing, from moving forward. stop time. that would be the breather i need. time stopping. just an hour a day. id even be lenient to say an hour a week. i had a experience today, not sure if you'd call it an out of body thing but i guess my mind wasnt where i was at. i watched people go about their lives. i saw uni kids on the train looking exhausted. trying to catch some shut eye whenever possible. i saw the same expression on the faces of the 'senior' workers. i imagined they'd be wondering when they could finally retire. i looked and looked until i realised i was being watched myself. it startled me. i got off the train thinking to myself, what would he have seen? i guess at this point, i still do kind of wear my heart on my sleeve. he would've seen exactly what i felt.
sad. lost. hurt.
recently, i have these moments throughout the day where i just feel the need to cry. i promised myself on the last night i was living by myself that that night would be my last night that i would let myself cry out loud one last time. that i would let myself go and not cry anymore. my time of self loathing and self pity would end that night. and i have kept my promise. today though, i dont know what triggered it. some days i wake up and i feel fine. i tell myself that, and i fake it enough to a point where i almost believe it. i woke up today feeling so depressed. didnt want to get out of bed. didnt care about work. didnt care if i lost my job. didnt care that my brother was worried that i wasnt at work. didnt care about anything. i almost think that if a can was nearby, i would've kicked it. i just didnt want to be me. i woke up today and thought, shyte....i dont want to fake through today. i cant. i dont have it in me. and i didnt.
when i eventually got into work, i wanted to leave. the thought of seeing people and talking to people, socially or work related made me want to hurt myself. i didnt want to be there. id listen to my ipod as a 'dont talk to me coz i cant hear you' method, and it worked. until the random bunch of depressing songs came on. crying at work is, something that ive done, but not something ill ever do again (if i can help it) nor is it something that im proud of. i care about my work reputation. i am strictly professional. i dont like to bring work home or home to work. they are separate. but despite my strong beliefs, i teared up. i knew i had had enough. it was time to go home.
sometimes i feel like a shell. more so recently, but more of an empty shell as well. its like in the mornings, when i put my make up on and get into work clothes, its like im putting the shell on. i realised this so much more today. it made me feel lost. i feel lost. i guess that kinda justifies the whole 'big decision' thing and maybe i didnt make the wrong decision. maybe me being where i am, right here right now, feeling the way im feeling is exactly what i need to get better? or maybe im trying to lie to myself again and tell myself that im on the right page. maybe theres just no way back, theres no fix for me. maybe this is as good as it gets. maybe ive already had as good as it got. maybe ive screwed up too much already. maybe just maybe, this is it. *sigh*
such is life
Peace out xx
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