my wall

it has been said that what goes in must come out. i guess the same can be said for emotions. whatever you feel, what ever you think, whether it be bottled up anger or happiness ready to burst out of you, whatever goes in - must come out. i am by no means ashamed of who i am or what i think or feel. but in a society where it feels like you have to second guess yourself, where gossip is served for morning tea and toilet breaks, where someones happiness is another persons jealousy, or someones heart ache is an opportune moment for people to further prod and 'analyse' the 'what went wrong', without doubt reinventing history along the way, knowing that is out there does make me not want to spill anything to anyone. my thoughts, my feelings, my pain...they're all real. to me. they're mine. not for anyone else to poke and prod at. all mine. my successes, my failures...all me. does that make me anti-social?

ive reached this point where things are slowly coming out. no longer can i compress everything inside. i cant keep doing that. but on the same note, i dont feel as though i can talk to anyone about it. as much as i love the people in my life, as much as they are supportive...there is a limit isn't there? i fear judgment. one of my weaknesses. i guess i believe that if they dont know, they cant talk about it, and if they cant talk about it, they cant judge. i love my family and friends, dont get me wrong but theres still that part of me that fears my family thinking less of me, that fears my best friend may have a great gossip session with her co-workers, that fears people avoiding me as if i'm contagious and they'll 'catch' my ill-feelings and bad thoughts. it was so much easier keeping things to myself. and i have done so for so long. but yesterday, i felt like i was going to explode. i needed to cry. i needed to just...let it all out. and i couldnt let myself. i had built up such a huge wall that i couldnt let my guards down. i couldnt let myself feel...

...i guess ironically enough, thats exactly what i need. not just to let myself have my feelings back, but what i need is a wall. someone or something that will just let me vent my daily crap out. let me just have one hour where i can expel the verbal diarrhea. i guess thats what this blog is for me. i feel somewhat safe(?) in that i can say whatever is on my mind without fear of being judged by those who mean so much to me. is it wrong that those that i care about are the ones that judge and can potentially hurt me most? most definitely. am i going to do anything about it? i think its a given what that answer is.

theres just too much that isn't right. the ex, the family, the friends, the job...
no one, no one, not one person in the world can possibly understand that. its not my job to make people understand. its my job to make me understand it. its my job to make the hurt go away. its my job to fix the ex issue, to fix the family issue, to fix the friends issue, to fix the job issue. its all on me. my feelings. my thoughts. my issues. my fix.
right now it feels like my world has turned upside down, upside down again, and once more. i know it'll get better. i dont have a lot but faith, thats something i still have. i guess i gotta just take it one step at a time, a day at a time.

i said in one of my earlier posts that 2011 would be my year. we're almost halfway through...and i think this has been the hardest, most toughest year of my life.
but i guess first things first. one step at a time right? *sigh*

here goes nothing....

peace out xx