emptiness

sometimes, at random points in time, i get hit with this feeling. i dont know what it is. but it's just a feeling of unsatisfaction? or maybe even emptiness. i pride on being a happy person. it's one of the best things about me, if i say so myself. i like being able to see the goodness in everyone and in every situation as they occur or will occur. im positive. but lately, its been lacking. its getting hard for me to do that.

ive been caught up in a dilemma. how do you let one go? im happy right now. well i think i am at least. how do you let someone you love go? how do you let them go? how do you continue to be with them knowing that they can do so much better than you? i cant describe the feeling. its like, i know, i am certain he can do better. better in so many ways. in every superficial way possible, he can do better. but as a person, he could do so much better than i. and it hurts. to know that no matter how much you try, how much you tell yourself that you're a good person, how much you love him, you know that despite all of that, he still can do better than you. and worst of all, deep deeep down, i think he knows it too. and thats the most painful part of it all...

New Year...New Aspirations...New...Blog?!?

many people i know were glad to see the end of 2010. they were waiting for 2011 with arms wide open. i wasn't too fussed. i can't really complain. 2010 was a good year for me. not the best, but certainly not the worst. i achieved goals, remained healthy, and was happy for most of the year. It was a good year. Having said that, i too am welcoming 2011 with arms wide open. It may just be the fact that its the new year, but i am ready for it. what is it? i don't know. but i am ready. i cannot wait for what 2011 brings.

its almost like a new beginning. i have a list of things that i again, want to achieve. but there's something about this beginning. i feel like i have my head screwed on properly this time round. i know what i want from this year. i know what i need to do to get it.

2011 is my year.

How do you know? You just......know

The last 48 hours have been extremely tough. It's getting to a point where you just don't want to be on holidays. I mean, if this is 'holidaying' then, I really wish I was back at work. I've spent a lot of hours, minutes, seconds debating on what choices I need to make. I think I've always known all along. Denial is a funny thing. It makes you change who you are, what you believe in, just so you can get through the day, or let you sleep better at night. Looking back now, the answer...its so clear. And like I said, deep deep down, I've known all along.



I know that the choice I'm making is right. It's right for me and everyone that I love and care for. Sure, it won't be everyone's cup of tea but, I'm okay with that. It's what's best for those who are so so close to me. My circle of trust. It'll break me for sure. I will be crushed. I will struggle to find my feet. It will be tough. But, I can and will do this. It is what is right. It is what is expected of me, it's what I expect of myself. I don't crumble when the going gets tough. I don't shy away and have everything handed on a silver platter. I know I'll have to work my ass off. I know that it will hurt ever so much.

But I need to believe that there is goodness on the other side. I need to believe that there is light, that the grass is greener on the other side. That all those affected, will get through this. I need to believe that. I do believe that. I do.

I know what I have to do. This is fate. Lessons will be learnt. I will be a better person because of this. All I have to do now, is just actually do it.

Peace out xx

The right choice...

How do we ever know we're making the right choice? Each and every day we're presented with so many different opportunities. We are given so many options, but how do we ever know we're doing the right thing? How do we make the choice? At what point do we know its right? I'm all for believing that we are to 'learn from our mistakes' but at what cost? How big of a mistake do we need to make for us to realise that at this very moment, we've made the wrong choice. We've taken the wrong door. We took the wrong path down. When do we know that we're no longer in Kansas City?

And not only then, how do we know that what we've done wrong can be undone or not? How many other people do we need to affect, do we need to hurt for us to learn our 'lesson'? I guess it's safe to say that I'm a little lost right now in my life. I'm at a point where I can choose either option a) or option b). With either options, someone will suffer. How do I make that choice? Do I do the lame thing and make a list of pro's and con's of both options? Do I be selfish and make the choice that is most best for me? Or do I be selfless and think of others? How on earth does one make a decision like this?

I don't think I'm most afraid of making the choice. I mean, yes it's daunting and I am fearful of the effect it will have on those that I care for most. But it's not just that. It's the fear of possibly realising in 3 months time, or 3 years time, that I have made the wrong choice. Knowing that I cannot go back on it. Knowing that it can't be undone. Knowing that I may have hurt people that I love unnecessarily. Knowing how much time I've wasted. That is what frightens me.

I'm also very good at contradicting myself. See, I'm a believer in fate. I believe everything happens for a reason. So how does that fit in with my little dilemma? Am I to be making a mistake because fate has led me to it? Or what if this is fate and I'm fighting against it right now with all my hesitation? Or is this the way I am to be punished for my misbehaviour and all my sins? The thought has crossed my mind. I was a rebellious child. And rebelled I did. Branded the black sheep of the family. The girl who didn't have a good head on her shoulders. So it would serve me right to be making all the wrong decisions and to like, well, suffer.
But that doesn't seem, right. Or fair. I have faith. And I may not be you're regular Sunday morning church go-er, but I do believe in God. I believe in a higher power. I believe in Heaven and hell. And as deluded or naive or stupid as it might seem, I don't believe its the God-like way. I believe (again, might sound naive) that I've been forgiven for my sins. So although the thought may have crossed my mind, I'm a firm believer (or repeatedly telling/convincing myself) that this is all fate. That this will be either the right decision, or a mistake that can be fixed. This isn't punishment. This is fate.

...this is fate, this is fate, this is fate.....

So, the question still beckons, which is the right choice?
*sigh* Sleepless night number 79 on its way.

Peace out xx

Christmas

It's hard to just get a moment to think about the meaning of Christmas. I mean, yes there's the religious side of things, the importance of this great day, where Jesus Christ was born. But take Christmas and put it in our eyes. What does Christmas mean to every day people in the 21st century? Do we ever take the time to think and appreciate what this day signifies to us? Each year, it becomes more and more commercialised. It's all about the presents, the food, the day off work, but we never stop to think what it really means to us individually.

I guess I've been extremely blessed. Looking back on all my Christmas', I can confidently say that they were all filled with love. Never, have I spent a Christmas alone. And believe me, I am forever grateful. I heart Christmas. It is my favourite holiday of the year. When I was younger, it was because of the presents, the Christmas lights on our tree, and the fact that I'd have 6 weeks of holidays. It was a great time. As I got older, I never understood why our family celebrated Christmas. My family, not being completely religious, made me question why we were celebrating Christmas. Why were we spending hundreds and hundreds of hard earned money on all things Christmas. From presents, to extra Christmas decorations for the house, to the turkey...I never understood. But as a kid, I accepted it. I mean, I wasn't going to put a halt to the whole presents situation. THAT would be crazy!

Now that I'm a little more older, I'm at the point where I'm buying presents for others. I'm finding that I too, now am buzzing over the fact that it is Christmas. I know that I'll be spending A LOT of hard earned cash on presents for my loved ones. But thats not what the big hoo-haa Christmas is for me. It took the Christmas spirit of a young man to make me realise what my parents saw Christmas was. It made me feel that I could spend thousands and thousands of dollars on Christmas, and I would do it over and over again for that feeling.

It's not the pretty lights on the tree. It's who you are putting the tree up with. Its not the gifts you get, but its the lit up faces of those who you give the gifts to. It's seeing their overjoyed face when you know you got them something they will love. Its not all the delish food you're eating on Christmas day, its the people who you're sitting with on the table. That's what Christmas is for me. It isn't about the presents anymore. It's not about wanting people to buy things you wouldn't or couldn't buy yourself. That's not what Christmas is.

Besides, what would Boxing Day mean then??

Merry Christmas.

Peace out xx